IZ/HP
by IrknInvadr
Summary: Okay, I made this bet with someone on a message board because they insulted my ability to write. To prove myself they said I had to write an Invader Zim/Harry Potter crossover. This should be interesting...(Ch.4!)
1. Secrets

A figure, hidden in the shadows of the night, sat alone on the purple rooftop of an obscure blue-green house. Lucky for him it was dark, or else his appearance would be causing quite a commotion on the silent street. For this creature was not human. Not human at all. Nor was he wearing a disguise to protect him from discovery. But it didn't matter. Not right now. Not in the night.  
  
The creature suddenly opened his pupil-less, glinting ruby eyes to gaze at the stars. Moonlight reflected off his face to reveal extremely pale green skin. Two, straightened black antenna blew softly in the cool night breeze. He sat up, rubbed a sore spot on his back, and tried to adjust the silver and red metal pod attached to his back before yawning and lying against roof.  
  
Still gazing into the stars during this rare moment of serenity in his complicated life, the Irken began remembering his home. How he longed to return, even through he'd been banished due to a little…trigger-happy accident that wiped half of it out.  
  
"I don't care what they do to me," Zim sighed and shook his head, "They can whip me until I cough up blood. I just want to see Irk again. Just once more…" he laid his head back to look up at the heavens and exhaled deeply.  
  
A sudden clunk of metal was heard which made Zim jump and turn around. A look of relief fell across his face when he saw it was just Gir hanging off the purple satellite like a monkey. The android's bright blue stare through oversized eyes seemed to glow brighter then usual during this time of night. The tiny robot flung himself from the satellite and right next to Zim on the roof. Gir sat down and gave his master a confused, insane stare.  
  
"Master?" Gir's high, metallic voice seemed to echo through Zim's sensitive antenna when he spoke. "Master, whatcha doin' out here all alone?" he asked innocently.  
  
Zim could only stare back at the droid with the same amount of confusion in his eyes. Though he was only a robot, programmed to serve and obey, (which rarely ever happened) Zim could sometimes feel a sense of concern from Gir when he was sick or frustrated or just lonesome, as though the little android actually had some kind of caring feelings of making sure his master was always well and on top of things. It was almost as if, over the time they had spent on Earth, Gir had developed some sort of…personality.  
  
A tug on his sleeve brought Zim back to reality. Impatient for an answer, Gir whimpered softly and tugged harder. Zim shook his head and looked at the stars once more. He reached his hand toward the sky and pointed at the faintest one, which could hardly be seen in the great sea of blackness.  
  
"See that tiny star Gir?" the Irken asked, "That's our home planet, Irk. I was just thinking about how wonderful it would be to return home…just for a moment. I miss it so much."  
  
"But Earth is nice!" Gir insisted, "It gots tacos and cupcakes and chocolate-bubblegum and scary monkey and tuna!"  
  
Zim shook his head again and gazed at the ground below. "That's only what you know, Gir. You've never been to Irk."  
  
"Tell me 'bout it?" Gir half yawned and laid back against the roof next to Zim.  
  
"Well," Zim began, "Irk is three times the size of this planet. It's a bit hotter too, but that doesn't matter. The cities are incredible. Crowded yes, but still astonishingly beautiful. But the one thing I miss most about Irk is all its secrets. Massive structures that have been buried in the red desert sands over thousands of years, underground caves with strange unreadable hieroglyphics, mysterious places where people go and never return. They're everywhere and our greatest scientists still leave them unexplained!" the homesick Irken sighed and stretched his thin arms. "This planet is just too boring. They hardly have any secrets. Sure, there's the Bermuda Triangle and Stonehenge, but nothing interesting like on Irk."  
  
Gir curled up nice and snug, and was just about ready to fall asleep. "Maybeh you just need to give Earth more of a chance, Master," he yawned sleepily. "Maybeh they do have secrets. You just gotta find 'em."  
  
"Maybe…" after a pause Zim tore his red eyes away from the glittering heavens, sat up, and cracked his aching back. "It's late, Gir. Go inside and recharge your battery, but don't over do it again. The last thing I need is you frolicking around in the lab. I have work to do."  
  
The two partners slid down the gutter, walked past the freakishly large lawn gnomes, and went inside. It was a shame too, for if they had stayed out just a bit longer, perhaps they would have noticed the large barn owl, fluttering past in the night air with a package and few urgent parchment letters clamped tightly in its beak. 


	2. Discovering Hogwarts

A.N.: Thanks a bunch to all you Irkens and Humans (possibly even some Muggles, Witches, and Wizards out there too?) who reviewed to such a short chapter that hardly explains anything! And I really mean THANK YOU, because there were a few…*a-hem*…other terms to the bet that will not be mentioned until the end of this fic (*mumbles* if I can think of an ending) so we keep everything fair and square! Yes…uh…fair…I know, I'm loosing my evil touch…fluffy should know that if she reviews in here…oh well. And just to tell those who think Zim is going to actually become a wizard in this fic: he pretends to be a human, why can't he pretend to be a wizard? And come on! Zim?! Gryffindor?! I really don't think so, but you'll just have to wait and see in future chapters! Heck, even I don't know!  
  
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The next day, Zim leaned back in his comfortable, crescent-moon shaped red chair in front of a large computer screen; proudly looking over the report for his mission he had just finished typing. The normal day at Skool had gone by slowly, so he was glad he was still able to get the monthly report in to his Irken rulers, the Almighty Tallest, on time for once.  
  
The day had gone like this: his rival, Dib, had made some big scene about humans being more intelligent then…whatever Zim was…in front of the whole class because he had gotten 0.3% more credit then Zim on a Math quiz. This had forced Zim to shove Dib in his locker between classes, which made Dib returned the favor during lunch by pushing Zim's face into his food tray, which Zim got his revenge on by placing an Irken bomb in Dib's backpack that Dib still didn't know was there. When he did find it though, it would just make his backpack explode. No permanent damage, unfortunately for Zim, but at least he would get the last laugh when Dib came to Skool the next week with a backpack reduced to ashes.  
  
Zim chuckled darkly to himself at this thought. But enough of that, he still had work to do. Lately he had been looking at the different 'countries' throughout this planet, gathering every bit of possible information about them. It would take him forever to look up all the countries on the Earth though, so he simply looked up the big ones like China and Brazil, or the ones that claimed to have superior power like the Untied States of America and Russia, and the ones that have been on the news lately like Afghanistan, Israel, and Palestine. Today, Zim was reading some things on the geography of a rather small country in Europe that seemed to have either superior power or great political respect from other countries. This place was called 'England.'  
  
"Computer, run a scan on this part of the landscape. I'd like to see a few photographs of it as well," Zim ordered, pointing his gloved finger along a random stretch of land on a touch screen that held a map of England. Expecting an immediate response from the computer, the Irken twitched his antenna in annoyance when nothing happened.  
  
"Computer? What's going on?" he barked that the machine, red eyes narrowed in suspicion.  
  
"Processing," was its only response.  
  
A few awkward minutes passed. "Strange…this is certainly strange…" Zim thought aloud, "It's either a glitch in the computer or something…something to do with the land it's scanning."  
  
Zim was beginning to grow very impatient when the computer suddenly announced, "Landscape access blocked by unknown force. Photographing access blocked by same unknown force."  
  
"Unknown force?!" the Irken thundered. He stood on his chair to make him seem taller and furiously shook his fist at the screen. "I'll show you force! Computer, use power chip and try to break through this stupid force!"  
  
"Uh…are you sure you want to use a power chip Master?" the computer asked with a confused tone in its deep metallic voice, "I mean…those things are expensive and it doesn't seem like the Tallest are going to send you any kind of weaponry any time soon-"  
  
"Do not question my actions, and just use it!" the small Irken ordered and sat back down with his arms folded while he waited, angrily thinking about this 'unknown force.' There must be something unique about this land. Unknown force…that sounded so familiar…it reminded him of something, but in his impatience with the computer, he couldn't quite place it.  
  
"Okay, I managed to send a few camera devices to the requested area," the computer finally announced, "But be quick, because I sense them malfunctioning under the same force." Zim's three-fingered Irken hands flew over the keyboard as he typed a few passwords into the computer before the screen flickered to a strange and shocking picture. The alien's eyes practically popped out as he fought hard to keep his jaw from hitting the floor when he saw what was there. At the strange sight, which his computer screen was now holding, only one human phrase came to the befuddled Irken's mind…  
  
"Oh my god…"  
  
The largest stone castle Zim (or any Irken for that matter) had ever seen sat perched on top of a rocky ledge surrounded by water. Behind it lay a rich green forest, so beautiful that he could almost smell the fragrant pine trees. On a bridge connecting the castle to land, he could make out several human children dressed in fancy black robes, who were playing and laughing together; in their hands they each held a short wooden stick. The image of the strange land suddenly began to fuzz in and out of focus, for the cameras were beginning to fall apart completely. Zim strained his red eyes to see this magical place as best he could until the screen fell completely dark.  
  
Zim flopped back into his chair, his face expressionless, for he was still not over the shock from what had just seen. Whatever that place was the people there certainly didn't want anyone with technology like his poking around. The Irken's ruby eyes widened impossibly once more when he realized what this had reminded him of.  
  
His conversation with Gir last night. Out on the roof. He had said Earth had no secrets, or at least not very many. Not like Irk…or could it?  
  
"So…" Zim mused to himself, a slight smirk spreading across his paled face as his voice became cunning and silky. "Looks like you have your share of secrets as well…don't you Earth?" 


	3. The Flight

A.N: Hmm…I'm still not completely sure if Dib and Gaz are going to enter this story…damn this f***** writer's block! Oops…now I'll have to change this to P-G. Oh well. Just a note to fluffy: help me girl! e-mail me back when you read my future chapters and give me suggestions on an ending you little 4.0 genius person! Grr, I could strangle you. Can you believe this girl? *sighs* Well, it is my story…but I'm a lazy bum so I dun care. Okay then, I have nothing intelligent to say in this author's note so stop reading this bogus and read chapter three! (as seen below) *mumbles* god I need help…  
  
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…"So…" Zim mused to himself, a slight smirk spreading across his paled face as his voice became cunning and silky. "Looks like you have your share of secrets as well…don't you Earth?"  
  
However, his spreading grin slowly became a look of confusion as his, what would be a brow to an Irken, suddenly furrowed. Earth did have a secret, and by the looks of it, a big one too. Would this mean that the planet he was assigned would become even more hard to conquer? Did this place have some strange power that could be used against the armada like that unknown force which broke his computers? Would this place and its people ruin everything he that had worked so hard for? Zim ran these questions through his mind once more and decided that he couldn't hypothesize anything right now with such little information. All he had seen was a big castle and some kids with sticks. How could that possibly pose as a threat to the mission? But still…  
  
"Gir!" the Irken suddenly thundered, "Gir get down here now!"  
  
In a few moments the little droid came falling down the elevator shaft, bounced a few times, and landed at Zim's feet. His eyes turned a smart crimson color as he stood up and saluted his Master. But this rare moment of obedience faded with the color change in Gir's eyes when they turned to bright blue again. The crazed android suddenly hugged the small Irken around his middle.  
  
"Give me raisins," Gir cooed softly, "Give me raisins to suck your bra-ain…"  
  
"Get off!" Zim managed to wiggle free of Gir's meaningless hug and stood up straight once again. "Ready the Voot Cruiser, Gir. We're going on a trip."  
  
"YAY! VACATION!" the silly robot squealed with ecstatic joy and clapped his metal hands, "Where are we going?!"  
  
"We're going to-"  
  
"Where ARE we going?!"  
  
"We're going to-"  
  
"OH I WONDER WHERE WE ARE GOING!"  
  
"Gir!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We're going to England."  
  
"Ohiunderstand," Gir managed to say in one word. Zim simply rolled his eyes, knowing that Gir didn't understand, and figured that if the Voot Cruiser was to be readied for such a trip he would have to do it himself, as usual.  
  
Gir followed his master out of the underground laboratory and up to the very top of the house, to what one might call an attic. It was in here that the roundish, pink-purple, Irken space ship, was perched on a small landing pad. The Invader opened the large windshield and sat down in the comfortable purple driver's seat inside. Gir sat on the floor next to him, for there was only one chair. But Gir didn't mind because he had more important adventures to play with the rubber pig he just pulled out from his head cavity.  
  
Zim checked over everything to make sure his prize ship was ready for take off. With the tap of a few buttons and the pull of a few levers, the Voot Cruiser gracefully began to lift off as soon as the roof had opened to reveal the setting sun beyond the mountains. The windshield automatically sealed itself tightly as the G-force compensators revved into high gear. In mere seconds, the purple space ship was flying among the puffy white clouds at an amazingly fast speed, but still trying to keep out of sight for the light of day was still visible.  
  
It only took a few minutes for Gir's hyperactive mind to become incredibly bored. "Are we there yet?" he asked impatiently, and then made a few squeaky noises of amusement when he noticed how high up they were.  
  
"I can see New York!" he suddenly squealed, pouncing close to the control panel and threatening to accidentally push a few important buttons. Zim scolded and then pushed the excited robot back to his seat on the floor so he could concentrate better on flying correctly. Even though Zim had been piloting for more then half his life, Gir made it almost impossible at times. Though he would be able to get to England without the last of his sanity dwindled away as long as Gir didn't start singing-  
  
"Oh! I remember this!" Gir said, looking out the window. Zim almost let go of the joystick completely to hold his antenna when he heard Gir yell, "I'm gunna sing the 'Doom Song' now!"  
  
Fortunately, the Irken only let go with one hand so he could hold Gir's mouth shut. "Not this time Gir," he said, trying to keep his tone of voice calm. "You look out the window and let me know if you see any land. We should be coming in on Europe very soon and because of this wavering sanity problem, I cannot stand your singing right now!"  
  
It took a moment for this to register in Gir's slow-reacting artificial intelligence. He then either saluted to Zim seriously or slapped his hand on his head with a clank before rushing to the window and peering down on the Atlantic below. However, the endless color of blue soon bored the android and he remembered about the more important playtime that he was going to have with his rubber pig behind Zim's big chair.  
  
After about half an hour of flying, over what seemed to be and endless sea of blue, the ship's computer suddenly announced, "England ahead. Five hundred feet and closing fast." Zim's antenna twitched in annoyance as he looked behind his chair for the disobedient droid.  
  
"Gir?!" he yelled, interrupting his robot's little fantasy game. "I thought I told you to keep-"  
  
"Four hundred feet and closing fast," the computer interrupted. "Master, you might want to think about slowing down a bit and-"  
  
"Would you keep quiet for a minute?!" Zim thundered, and returned his attentions on Gir. "Didn't I tell you to keep watch? Hello there Gir! Pay attention! Are you listening to me?" The little droid's eyes seemed wide with shock and it certainly looked like he wasn't paying Zim the least bit of attention. He was staring at something out the window behind Zim.  
  
"What's the matter with you robot?!" Gir weakly pointed behind his Master to the incoming land they were about to crash on. Without thinking, the Invader hit the brakes as hard as he could when he finally noticed how fast they were going. Gir's screaming and clinging to the back of his head didn't make things any better while he desperately tried to get the ship under control. The joystick controlling the Voot Cruiser's direction was now forgotten as all attention was focused on the brakes. This made the ship begin spinning aimlessly around in circles, smoke trailing and spiraling behind it as the two continued to plummet closer and closer to land below.  
  
"Malfunction!" the computer suddenly screeched in all the chaos, "Unable to land Voot Cruiser due to unknown force! Computer shut-down in ten seconds!"  
  
Zim held his breath in fear as the malfunctioning Voot Cruiser began skimming the top of a lush pine forest before the countless trees broke off to reveal grassy fields and a large blue lake. The last thing the Irken's panicking eyes noticed was a huge stone castle perched atop a rocky hill in the middle of the all the water. Then he felt the Cruiser hit solid ground, and his world faded to darkness. 


	4. Confusion

A.N.: Bad news: I'm still blocked. *sighs* Oh well…just don't go expecting another chapter for a while 'cause I have to make one first. Anyways, there's two paragraphs in here that kind of explain things through what Gir sees, so it's really cute. See if you can find it while reading. And reviews would be appreciated beyond what words can describe. (No, I'm not being greedy…okay maybe not REALLY greedy…) I'm loosing the bet already! I'm gonna lose my already non-existing sanity!!! WHAHOO!!! *blink blink* Okay, chapter four, here ya go…  
  
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"That's right, Dumbledore Sir. Found 'em just lyin' in some burnt up pile 'o rubble out near the edge of the forbidden forest, the poor kid."  
  
"Hmm…that is certainly strange…no matter Hagrid. It's a good thing you brought him up here so quickly. Madam Pomfrey says he'll be fine now…"  
  
These unfamiliar, accented voices continued to echo through Zim's barely conscious mind. When he tried to move his arms, he found it useless, for it felt like they weren't even there. His normally aching back felt strangely comfortable though, probably because his back pod was missing. And that was just peachy because now he not only had no clue of where he was, but without his back pod full of weapons, also had no way to defend himself. He also doubted Gir's defensive mode would come in handy either, since that robot never obeyed. Heck, he doubted if Gir was even there. If he could just find out where 'there' was…  
  
Zim moaned slightly as he finally opened his eyes and tried lift his head so he could see his surroundings better. He was in some kind of bed with white linen sheets. Around him lay, what seemed to, be hundreds of other beds neatly arranged in rows along the walls, with a narrow walkway in between them. The walls themselves where made of grey stone, and only ended at the very top of an extremely high ceiling. Narrow stain glass windows, which allowed magnificent warming sunlight to pour through, were almost just as tall. This amazing structure was obviously made by humans…and if humans made it…then that must mean…  
  
The Irken quickly regained feeling in his numb limbs as his hand flew to head, hopefully checking for a miracle. When he found his wig was on, he blinked his eyes a few times, trying to see if his contacts were in as well. That was definitely something, because he certainly didn't remember putting his human disguise on before the crash. Oh no. How could he have forgotten?! The crash!  
  
"Have you finally decided to join us?" the raspy voice of elderly man asked him, "But really, trying to come to Hogwarts before the term has started isn't appreciated…"  
  
Zim looked up to his right to see the gentle face of old human who had sparkling sky-blue eyes peering down at him through half circle glasses. This man wore draping purple robes, which were partially covered by his incredibly long silver-grey beard, and atop his head sat a pointed purple hat to match his ensemble.  
  
The confused Invader would have had some sharp, witty response if only the pain in his left side wasn't so horrible. He squinted his eyes and groaned again as he slowly laid back down in bed, holding his burn and trying not to look back at the stranger. Zim knew if he did look back at the man there would be weakness showing in his eyes. Something he couldn't stand other people to see. But on the other side of his bed was someone…or something…even scarier.  
  
"How're feelin' little guy?" asked the giant, hairy man who was looming over Zim's bed with a look of concern on his bearded face. Beings so small, the confused Invader could only gape at this man's amazing size. He looked back at the man dressed in purple in shock, then at the other in the moleskin coat, right, then left, until he sat up completely, ignoring the fiery pain in his side.  
  
"WHERE AM I?!"  
  
The two humans (if that's what they really were) immediately began trying to calm down the hysterical patient. But Zim wouldn't stop gasping at the people and area around him until he felt a sharp pain in his burn, which made his hand grip his side tightly as he flopped back against the pillows. He looked down and lifted his hand just enough to see bloody stain in the white bandages wrapped around his middle. 'That crash must have been worse then I imagined,' Zim thought as he squinted his eyes shut and tried not to cry out. The only pain worse then what he was feeling from the burn was the thought that Gir didn't make it through that horrible landing, but he didn't want to think of that right now.  
  
"Dear Boy, try to relax yourself. With all that noise I'm surprised Madam Pomfrey hasn't come in here thinking we strangled you," the old man commented while placing a cold hand on Zim's forehead. "It looks like that one will take a bit longer to mend using just that burn healing potion, but the rest of them seem to be gone with by now-"  
  
"There were more?!" Zim gasped and tried to sit up again, "What's going on here?! Where am I?! Where's Gir?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!"  
  
The old man chuckled and shook his head. "I see you're not easily distracted." He suddenly took a deep breath and calmly explained…"Yes, there were more burns, you're in the Hospital Wing, Gir must be that strange talking dog of yours and he's just fine. I am Professor Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and this is Rebus Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts. And you, young man, seem to be suffering from amnesia."  
  
It took a few seconds for the confused Irken to let this all sink in. "Whoa, wait a minute! Just rewind and freeze!" Zim demanded, though this time sitting up more carefully. "Did I hear you straight? WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY?!"  
  
"Meow! Master's a WIZARD!" a blur of bright green suddenly latched itself to Zim's head, almost knocking his wig off. Confused little Gir licked Zim's face like a puppy, but then curled up next to him and began purring like a kitty. "I missed ya while you was sleepin' Master Zim wizard!"  
  
Zim looked up at the two humans expecting their faces to be as petrified with shock from Gir's behavior as his, but they were surprisingly calm. "C-could I…could I p-please speak w-with Gir alone?" he stuttered nervously.  
  
"Of course," Dumbledore replied and smiled, "We better be going anyway. Lots to do before the rest of the students arrive tomorrow you know. Just try to get some rest." The older man turned around to head out, but not before Hagrid patted one of his massive hands on Zim's shoulder and gave him an encouraging wink. After they were gone, Gir helped his master get propped up against a few white pillows with a silly grin on his face as though he hadn't a care in the world. However, he did have something to worry about when Zim suddenly grabbed him around the neck and forced the panicking droid to face him.  
  
"You are going to tell me everything that's been going on while I was out, and everything that you told the people around here about me RIGHT NOW!" the alien practically screamed the last two words after desperately trying to keep the rest of his sentence in a frustrated hiss. Gir squealed in fright, wiggled away from his master's grip, and hid under his bed sheets.  
  
"I told 'um you was a wizard just like everybody else around here," the rather muffled voice of Gir answered proudly. "And I put your disguise on after you messed up big time in da landing."  
  
Gir's stroke of brilliance went unnoticed for the moment. Instead, his little insult on Zim's piloting skills made the Irken's eye twitch in fury. "What do you mean 'MESSED UP'?! I wasn't the one who was supposed to be keeping watch! …hey wait a minute…" Zim lifted the covers to see Gir trembling on the mattress underneath, "You put my disguise on to protect me from discovery?"  
  
"Um…" Gir's shaking voice hesitated, "Which answer will I get punished for Master?"  
  
"I don't care right now, Gir. I'm too tired," Zim groaned and yawned deeply, streatching his thin arms, and rubbing his sore burn again. "Just tell me the truth."  
  
The little android explained what happened after the crash as best he could, or as least everything he was actually paying attention to at the time. He had dragged Zim from the damaged Voot Cruiser, which had landed right next to some strange looking, gigantic hut. Then Gir took his master's back pod off and rummaged through all the guns, cords, and shiny metal pieces until he found both of their disguises. After that, Gir saw a big orange and yellow butterfly that fluttered around and around and around and…oh yeah. Anyways, he put their disguises on just in time, because the big hairy Hagrid man came rushing over to see what was making his house catch on fire. After he put out the pretty red flames with water that came shooting out from the tip of his flowery umbrella, Hagrid carried Zim to the Hospital Wing where the nice lady gave him some funny-smelling purple potion to drink that made some of his burns disappear.  
  
Gir cried and pleaded to stay with his master while he was being treated, but the Dumbledore human took him to his office full of smokey- puffy instruments and funny pictures that winked at you. While Gir was waiting for Dumbledore to finish explaining some boring important stuff that he wasn't paying the least bit attention to, Gir ate the entire bowl of little lemon candies on the desk and hugged the old man randomly. After that fun, Gir answered a few questions, like what his master's name was, how old he was, what house he was in, what type of wand he had, why he came so early, etc. Most of the time Gir just made up a bunch of stuff for the questions he didn't understand, like when he tried to answer what 'house' Zim was in. When Dumbledore named the four houses Gir decided he liked the name 'Slytherin' best, thus putting him in that house. Dumbledore filled out a few papers with a long tickly feather pen that he let Gir play with when he was finished putting their new student's files in alphabetical order with the rest of the other Hogwarts pupils.  
  
"And then I came back here and played with Pig!" Gir exclaimed once he had finished, and shoved the slightly burned rubber toy in his master's sleepy face. Zim moaned and pushed the pig away.  
  
"I don't know what we've gotten ourselves into Gir," the Irken grumbled and turned himself over in the soft hospital bed, "But I think we're going to find out soon…" 


End file.
